"Burn Women Alive." -God

It may surprise you to know that a great question for your believing acquaintances/estranged family is: “Do you think it’s ever okay to burn women alive?”

Most of the time, they will say a firm, “No!” You would think that would be the end of the, so far, agreeable conversation, but hang on a second. Show them the following bible verse which is a direct law given by God himself.

When the daughter of a priest profanes herself through prostitution, she profanes her father; she shall be burned to death.

Leviticus 21:9

Things will change drastically for the believer, as a dense cloud of indoctrination descends upon their brain, obscuring their previously held values. Values such as: Women shouldn’t be burned alive for “becoming a prostitute” which, in this passage, simply means sleeping around, even just a little bit, before marriage. 

That’s right, for the rest of this article, we will be dealing with how to speak with someone who accepts setting a woman on fire as a reasonable punishment for sex. 

First, they will probably barf out the phrase, “Yeah, but where do YOU ground YOUR morality?!” Then they will likely accuse you of taking the verse out of context. The secret is… we really want them to know the fucking context! 

Contextually, this is a command specifically for the priests regarding their daughters. Women in Bible times were property of – an extension of – men. In this case, if a daughter sinned by using her body the way she wanted, this sin would “dishonour” her father somehow. This was because the priests needed to be considered super duper holy according to the Bible:

They shall be holy to their God and not profane the name of their God, for they offer the Lord’s offerings by fire, the food of their God; therefore they shall be holy.

Leviticus 21:6

Move over Swiss cheese, this is mega-supreme, next level holiness. To be the most holy, you have to set your daughter on fire? Weird. You’d think igniting the blazing inferno which would melt the skin off of your little girl would be the very thing that would make you unholy, but with Bible everything is topsy-turvy!

Not that anyone asked, but here’s a list of all the other no-nos for priests:

  • No blemishes (use a good face wash)
  • No blindness (try spitting in some mud)
  • No lameness (personality-wise?)
  • No mutilations (not even dydoe piercings)
  • No deformities (unclear if webbed toes count)
  • No broken foot (as if they had x-ray machines)
  • No broken hand (does cracking your knuckles count?)
  • No hunchback (sorry Quasimodo)
  • No people with dwarfism (God is just can’t help being ableist)
  • No eye defects (couldn’t blindness fall under this?)
  • No itching disease (gotta use protection)
  • No scabs (similar to TLC’s preference of No Scrubs)
  • No crushed testicles (God LOVES balls!)

Believers will tell you to “get into the word” in order to “get to know God” and “have a relationship with him”. When we do that we see Bible God is ableist, misogynistic, and obsessed with perfect, round, supple balls! This is his list of ideal men and it includes being willing to set their daughter on fire for wanting to ride someone.

This is fucking nuts.

The priests were God’s preference physically and morally. They had to live up to his standard of holiness and cleanliness, hence the harsh stipulations for them, their daughters (the sons weren’t threatened with a fiery death ever), and their balls.

P1: Anyone that requires burning women alive for any reason is an immoral dickwad.

P2: God required priests to burn some women alive.

C: God is an immoral dickwad.

If this didn’t completely obliterate their view of the good God, keep reading. There’s something very important a little further down. These instructions, in context, continue into chapter 22. It’s all about who can eat the sacred donations and be around the priests, because they’re so dang special to God. But in verse 10 and 11 we find something unsettling. God says:

No one outside a priest’s family may eat the sacred offering, nor may the guest of a priest or his hired worker eat it. But if a priest buys a slave with money, or if slaves are born in his household, they may eat his food.

Leviticus 22:10-11

What?

Mr. Perfect Balls, more righteous than everyone else, who just heard his child scream as flames engulfed her because she wanted to enjoy some sensual contact, is ALLOWED TO OWN SLAVES?! This guy who did the unspeakable to rid the sin from his household owns human people as possessions? Quite an insight into God’s peak moral standards of holiness. Holy shit (literally).

To follow this god, you must believe sometimes burning women alive is good and so is owning people as property. These passages destroy a common slavery apologetic about God allowing these things because of the hardness of the people’s hearts. Priests are different, they are called to be holy as seen by all the ridiculous standards given to them. They can’t excuse burning women alive for their holiness and then say God excused the slavery stuff because they were so sinful.

P1: Allowing slavery is yet another dickwad move.

P2: God allowed his most special, holy priests to own slaves.

C: God is a wadded up dick.

Side note: The “women” in this context would be children since girls were sold/married off between 12-16 years old. So, if a young girl, under the age of consent, were raped before being purchased, she’d be set on fire until she perished. Really great laws you made there, Dickwad.

This sillygism was crafted by
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Joel Van Vliet

Mezzo Watts
email: jezzo@badbiblehub.com
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